Storytelling is an art and I know there is power in me telling my story and even expressing my opinions. To be transparent, it is hard for me. It isn't hard for me to speak and share my story in front of people but writing it down is different. It has taken me months to understand why that is and there are a couple things I have come up with.
First, my story is complex and there are still parts of it that I try to make sense of to this day despite being far along in my healing. As a survivor of an armed SA, it should be a very straightforward traumatic event with a very standard healing process, but there is nothing straightforward about trauma and post traumatic healing. There was loss, trauma, violence, negative coping mechanisms leading up to that event and that complexity makes sharing parts of my story scary. I was scared of people taking snip its of my story and without the full picture, "they won't understand".
Second, I'm learning and healing every day. I've done so much work on myself and I am so fulfilled but as life goes on, there are new triggers. There are new people in your life that you are trying to express your needs to or there may be something that triggers you due to lack of control such as someone you love being ill. There are new stages in life and old memories and as those happen, I have understood that areas that I thought were healed may not have been.
Now...after reflection, I realized that what scares me are the exact reasons why I do what I do..there are two things that I wanted to see in trauma-informed practitioners or survivors that I didn't have access to at the time I needed them and that was someone who was "in it" or was honest about not being completely healed and more than anything, I wanted to connect with someone who didn't have a black and white story where a single textbook trauma made them who they are. I needed to connect with someone who could relate to the fact that some things didn't make sense and just because violence was existent across the lifespan doesn't mean that it was my fault. The fear I have is exactly why I know I'm needed in this space. I appreciate you sharing this space with me and I appreciate your patience as we work to make this world a better place, one healed piece at a time.
